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Dec. 28th, 2008

hoodie

a better version of me.

almost the end of yet again another year. 

like every year .. like life in general, it's been up and down.  more up the majority of the year than down, although the last few months have hit hard.  i'd like to say i changed things this year, but i really haven't. 

25 hit hard.  a few things were realized in the brain, i just haven't applied them yet - story of my life, eh? 
between the therapist, my birthday, getting off all the meds, and jess .. *smirks*  we may just be getting somewhere.

this new year begins a new me.  my favorite, "i don't know"  is going out the window.
i will know.  whether it be by trial and error, i will find out. 
monday starts no smoking during the week.
ahah.  it will be difficult, but what isn't? 
i can clean when i get antsy.  i like seeing the house the way it is. 

i've got to truly settle down and create a budget that i can follow.
i can not wait until taxes so i can start on a clean slate. 
there's so many worries right now, but i'm trying my best to stay positive.
as many brilliant people have pointed out, looking at the bad isn't going to change anything.
know it's there, but move on and do what you can to resolve it. 

i plan on eating healthy.  i don't want any more of these chemicals put into my body from the shitty processed food i ingest.
my mother started us out with a gift card to daves.  it was nice to cook in the house again, i missed it. 

christmas was beautiful.  yes world, listen to jennifer speak it, christmas was beautiful. 
good food, good people, good music, good times. 
i was spoiled more than i've ever been spoiled in my entire life. 
and i thank everyone for being a part of it.

i've been living to survive for the last 25 years.  now it's time to live for myself.
... i'm anxious.  nervous.  scared.  excited.  i have the butterflies in my stomach. 
i want to radiate happiness.  i want my soul to smile from the inside. 
i want to look good on the outside while doing this.   i want to take care of myself and my surroundings. 
and i smile thinking all this.

jessica i need you to beat my ass on this.  because i don't know how .. i may faulter.  kick my ass back up in the saddle.
please.  i'm begging you now, for my sake.  i need to change. 
Tags:

Dec. 6th, 2008

hoodie

i can ride my bike with no handlebars ..

*shakes head slowly*

i don't know where to begin.
i don't know where to start.
it's been a decade since a day hasn't gone by that i've put some type of drug into my body.  granted i'm still smoking pot, but all the nut house drugs are finally gone.  ..  and i didn't see it.  i didn't realize it.  but i'm feeling everything now.  i knew i was numb.  .. but .. holy shit. 

i don't know what to do with myself.  i've been crying myself to sleep for the past week give or take.
and what's really wrong?  .....
.... ... ....... ......

so now it's time to face everything that i never felt before?  and what i did feel?
cause it's like a fuckin' whirlwind inside my head with past episodes flying through.
... past .. anything, beatings, fall throughs, random bad times, accidents, failures, petty words.
i hear.  see.  feel.  it all.  in a minute, then it's on to the next memory. 

i don't know how to apply things in my life for myself.  i don't know where to begin.
i don't know what to do with myself.  i want to change.  i can see it.  i can grasp it.
but it never happens.  not with me.  i can change anything else, but never .. when it comes to me.
never when it comes to bettering myself.  .. i can hear him whispering i'm a failure over and over.
i'll never succeed.  i can fucking see his mustache twitching as he says it. 

i don't have to believe it.  i shouldn't believe it. 
i lived my life trying to prove it wrong. 
now i feel as if i'm living my life afraid that he's right ..
and then .. what's the point?  really? 

... which is a stupid question, should be at least, the answer is .. i'm the point.
what where am i in all this?  what kind of point do i want to make?
i feel like i have emotional scars that will never fade.

i need help.
apparently my past is running my life a lot more than i thought. 
my main thought process is still powered by that man. 
i'm an adult.  25 years old.  why can't i grow up?

i keep taking steps backwards, i'm not going to get very far like this.

Nov. 7th, 2008

ditto that yo

schwuh.

/massages brain.

oh.  where to begin.  life's been crazy busy lately.  in such a good way.

we've finally got all our ducks lined up and we know where and when to shoot them.
it's a beautiful lift off of my shoulder, although it's just an imaginary lift.  i feel better.
we haz a plan.  i like planz.  one day at a time.

people have been in and out of the apartment.  and it's nice.  i forgot how nice it can be to be around good people.  mikey's back in the picture on a consistent basis now.  it's good to see the kid.  we get him fucked up and he's happy.  and he's mikey.  and it's nice.  i must haz conversation with him.  remember retard.  remember. 

threw a costume party at the house for halloween.  ... never expected such a wonderfully needed - perfect - night.  not many people, perfect crowd.  everyone aside from danny dressed up - he's excused he came from work.  jessica rocked me, i looked awesome.  we ruined our cleaned house ( which still hasn't been cleaned yet.  ahah nov 7th.  and what. )  .. didn't settle down until at least 3.  :]  .. it was a great night.  thank you. 

christmas is coming.  jess and i decided to give each other 200.  and put in 75 each for apartment.  but go shopping together.  .. but but but .. i'm seeing shit and i want to start buying.   .. i do have a stocking to fill.  but fuck.  rawr jessica.  .. mom's going to get a god damned back massager that she can put on the couch.  .. cheyne and felicia will get a gift certificate to tractor supply.  put 75 on that - should be good to cover the both, no?  .. i could do a 100.  don't be cheap.  rawr. 

i have my car back.  i've been getting over time in.  was going to work this saturday, but tabitha and i ended up in NY thursday - put in a 16 hour day.  yay, no haz work saturday.  can't go over 50.  thanks.  i didn't want to work anyway. 

... tabitha and i went to NY.  they let us out of our cage.  what a great fucking time.  i'll leave the traffic bullshit out of it.  there's no need to relive that.  meeting those dealers was a wonderful thing.  we spoke up in the compliance meeting when a dealer was trying to stick it to maintenance, we both raised our hands about to go off and ron mals behind us went "WAIT WE HAVE MAINTENANCE HERE"  tab took over, "i'm Tabitha Jannini and this is Jennifer Tower ," - all heads turned, cept the man who spoke it.   "we would NEVER tell you to place a spill on the web, etc etc "   i thought from there we were fucked - we were at the meeting for the queens / bronx dealers.

but no - they were all so fucking kind.  coming in slow with a smile and a firm long holding hand shake, "such a pleasure to finally put a face to the voice after all this time."  .. it was a morale boast inside.  to hear the i gotta meet this chick - and me asking about how their station was - not them screaming about what's wrong.  .. .fucking litza, standing outside smoking a cigarette.  im staring at this tiny fiery looking thing.  and i just .. LITZA as i'm staring at her .. she stares and FUCKING JENNIFER as she ran at me with a huge hug.  .. hugs and kisses on the cheeks from everyone.  "can we get you something?  take you out for lunch? "   .. the smiles.  they were true.  it feels so good to see it on the outside, the guys who are truly affected by what we do.  fuck corporate and what they think of us, it's who we provide the service to.  my boss was amazing but allowing us to do this, bringing himself into the office to deal with the crazy bullshit and allowing us to travel to NY and back.  for the $23 it took me to fill my tank i get .45 cents to the mile.  ... 160 coming to me.  on top of 10 hours of OT.  ... for a great time.  thank you gary for being a good man.

i think i was supposed to do something.  or remember something.  but i don't. 
oops.

pins are starting to kick in.  i'm surprised i got this much out.
i'm going to try to update daily.  stupid random things that happen.  cause i forget so fucking easily.  and so many things that make me smirk have been happening.  and god damn it i want to be able to look back and read it and laugh. 

ah man.  obama won the election.  .. people have made this into such a race issue it's not even funny.  i'm staying out of it.  i voted for the man.  i was not voting for another republican, i wasn't letting the US continue to fight a senseless war - i'm not saying it's going to end, but .. over time there will be change.  obama is right when he says that it's not going to happen over night, in a year, possibly not even in his term.  .. rome wasn't built in a day.  this election marked history.  not because oh my, we have the first black president - but because the people spoke.  the people are sick of the bullshit and finally - over 170,000 first time voters voted, the amount of youths that registered, and the amount of blacks, miniorities, who always thought - like most americans - that their opinion didn't count.  well guess what.  we spoke up.  and we created change; what kind of change ... who the fuck knows.  we shall find out.  i believe the man is capable of great things, if he sticks to his word and carries through - and isn't assassinated.  ;x  i have hope.  i have faith.  yet i have no expectations. 

minorities .. this is what gets me. at one point in time in this country we were the minority.  unless you are of full native american descent.  your family came to this country in hopes of finding a better life, however many generations ago.  they worked hard to get to where they are.  They did not come here as Americans.  where ever they immigrated from is what they came here as.  germans.  jews.  the french.  the english.  .. we were all minorities in the beginning.  the only reason our generations are called americans is because we were born on american soil.  yet america doesn't run through our genetics.  america is a melting pot.  granted the system has made it easy for immigrants these days to be lazy and live off of welfare - but they came for the same reason.  a better life.    .. all men are created equal, as stated in the constitution.  let it rest at that.  leave the race out of it ; we're humans.  we all bleed the same color.

hmm.  i think i may have covered it all.  that last two things up there.  i hope they make sense.  thoughts were everywhere.  i've never been this passionate about what's going on out there.  never.  things need to change.

so i ripped my nose ring off in my sleep last night, didn't realize i was nekkid until i was on my way into work.  ah fuck i say.  felt weird .  felt nekkid.  get home.  find it, couldn't slide it in like normal.  oh no sayz i.  you will go in.  i poke and i prod and i tug down on the nose to open zee hole.  and tears streaming out of my right eye and poked that fucker through.  it's been over a year.  and it healed up inside that quickly?  god damn.  i have to remember that.  need spare in purse.  or need to stop sleeping so violently. 

beer is tasty.
& the nights are getting darker.
& the skies are getting gray.
& at the end of the night.
i still have no one to hold.

99 red ballons ..
i let one go & i think of you.
Tags:

Oct. 14th, 2008

hope

take it for what it is ..

oh my. i'm old.

thank you from the bottom of my heart jessica.
... just thank you.


- continued 2 weeks later.

well then.  s'been awhile, eh?   probably not if i look at the dates from my last blog.  just seems to have been awhile.

hold that thought i have to pee.

there's resin all over my hardwood floor.  i need to research what will take that out.  it looks like poo.

the last few weeks .. months have been insane.  in my mind, in my life, just in general.

beer number four and it's only 2:04 in the afternoon.  and you know what?  i don't give a fuck.
my car is totaled, i'm not at work, i haz no pot, and i need something.   sigh.

i just sat down last night and truly went over finances and finally decided that we'll be ok.
and now this.  =]

life loves me so. 
what else can i do but smile and nod? 
shit happens, life goes on.  regardless.

i'm alive, cars we can fix, humans not so much.

ah man, looking back i haven't updated since the 7th.

jessica took me to the melting pot for dinner.
i didn't eat for a good 24 hours after.
there is nothing like that place.  & i say thank you, doll.
the party?  well.  no one showed up, like i figured.  but the people that were there were all that mattered aside from the retard i was trying to make things work with.  ahhahhhhahah no.  "I DON'T NEED THIS FUCKING SHIT!  FUCK YOU YOU FAT BITCH!"  ... "dude.  i don't need this shit either."  "AS SOON AS I GET A RIDE IM OUT OF HERE!"  ... "ride?!  your cars right there dude."  .. forgive me father fore i have sinned.  i let a drunk man drive home, but what i should be asking forgiveness for is the fact that i was praying that he got into some kind of accident on the way home.

this CD is skipping and it's pissing me off.
it's ok.  look, i found the off button.

the people who you never expect to say happy birthday do; and the ones who should give a fuck don't.
i've been saying it for the last few years now, but oh i'm done.  aside from the ones who show the care in return, fuck you all.  sideways by a rhino.  mmm @ that visual.

so i had started talking to this jerkface and we've been hanging out.  a lot.  and i like him.  he makes me smirk.  i can sleep.  i can be myself.  i can bitch, i can actually SPEAK about my emotions to him, while he sits in silence, which is fucking weird man .. fucking weird.  so he's damaged, but aren't we all?  do i take the patience to see where this goes?  or do i say i'm sorry, i don't have the time?  .. that's my issue.  cause i like him.  looking at any of the pictures with the two of us will prove that fact alone.  god damn it.  *slams head against desk*    .. poor kid is in the same place i was three years ago, i can't ask anything of him.  i can't think anything's going to happen.  you can tell he's torn between dealing with his shit and actually CARING for me.  which he does, his phone call this morning proved it.  but .... ah.  take it day by day asshole.  no expectations.  i just can't afford to see myself hurt again.  can't do it, refuse to it.  tell me now.  "i like you more than a friend."  AH!

and that!

jessica.  oh, this man better be speaking from the heart and not his cock so help me god.  he won't have his cock to hold on to anymore if that's the case.  they will be in a glass jar on my desk.  it's amazing to see her happy.  happier even than prior.  i miss her.  i miss our daily RAWR.  but such is life, eh?  i know i won't be thrown away.  her and i .. are one.  and that's just that, regardless.

i think i need a cigarette.

it's so weird to be without a car.   upwards to three weeks, nigga are you kidding me?

what else.  there's more.  i know there's more.

this quarter life crisis .. oh it's coming on.   i'm 25 and where am i in life?  i mean .. i have the potential career.  aiight bet.  but Dr. Gordon and myself both know that this isn't the career i want.  this is a stepping stone into getting to where i want.  i want to work with horses.  oh yes, i should call some hippotherapy places now.  hmm.  i need to go the lines of an occupational therapist.  and any field of work in that area is for me; helping people.  i can do that.  pay range is about what i make now.  why not.  i'll be happy.  my soul won't be being sucked from me from the corporate man.  especially the oil industry.  i still seriously want to drop napalm on all my sites, i dream of it and i wake up smiling, wonder what the therapist would have to say about that one.  heh. 

on beer number 6.

so yanno, it is what it is. 
it's life.  it'll come.  it'll go.  we'll see where it goes ... s'all i can do.
smile and nod.


99 red balloons, i let one go & i think of you.
Tags:

Sep. 7th, 2008

hoodie

.sigh

tis september yet again ..



we just came back from pittsburgh last night.
what an amazing time.
it renewed my faith in people. 

.. last night was last week.  it's sunday yet again, curled up in bed, watching 8 mile, hording jessica's laptop while she's helping her mother pack, i apologize for not going and helping, no excuse, it is what it is. 


life's been weird lately, i'd like to say good, but still so many worries.  ..
no, i can say good.  i'm off seroquel.  i have my racing thoughts again, but i'm welcoming them. 
i'm finding it easy to fall asleep naturally, which is absolutely amazing considering my run with sleep. 

oh my.  i need to sit down and put together a list of loves and hates for work for tomorrow. 
shit. 

well ..

i like the people.  my boss is for the most part a decent human being.  they've helped me plenty.  i enjoy the mind racing, the amount of multi tasking needed.  i enjoy the questions, i enjoy the fast pace.   i like the overtime offer, which is always there for me.  i like the hands off approach. 

i despise the industry.  i want to drop napalm on all my stations from a hot air balloon and watch them explode with a smirk on my face.   hate the condescending attitudes of most higher ups.   i hate the politics in the business.  i hate the pettiness of people.  i hate the unappreciation of the job.  i hate the commute and the money spent on getting to work.  i hate how little i get paid for how many jobs i do.  i hate how hands off they are. 

lot of contradictions up there, eh? 
but it is what it is.
plenty of contradictions.   the question is, is it worth it? 

the man's been sucking my soul away for quite awhile.  i've tried to ignore it, i've tried to become a switch that i can turn on and off .. i've tried to be a robot, but fuck.  a robot i am not. 

i found a barn that i can work at.
verra excited.  yes indeed. 
beautiful indoor / outdoor.
paints, quarters, a few tb's, arabs, couple ponies, paints ..
oh the joy. 

ok i'm done.

Tags:

Jun. 21st, 2008

incomplete

the dreaming tree has died.

i saw him today.

of all fucking places.  boston beer festival.  he was with her.  i about puked right there, i held my head high, smiled back at him, and carried on.  neither of us stopped, we both knew better.  & now .. the fucker's stuck in my head.  what to do what to do.  what is there to do?  .. nothing.  it is what  it is. 

but fuck, it hurts.

-

i gave in and crawled my fat ass into bed early last night with the hopes of putting a tv show on that i hadn't seen and could occupy my thoughts.  i had also taken two xanax a bit earlier, as soon as i got comfortable with the birdcage on, i was out.  vivid random dreams of him haunted my sleep.  i was awoken every hour on the hour, each time falling asleep back into yet a different dream with him. 

why?
god damn it, why.

i feel like i should have cried.  i feel like i should still cry.
but i don't have it in me.  i'm numb.  yeah it boggled my mind to see him there, but i still had no reaction other than to walk away ...
and of course now all i can do is think about him, but it doesn't bother? me.  

what the fuck am i talking about?
oh course it bothered me.

fuck your pride and admit it like you did up there earlier ..

it hurt.
*holds up middle finger, tips hat, and walks away*

She once believed...in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened...took the other side...
Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...one's left inside the well...
And he who forgets...will be destined to remember

Jun. 8th, 2008

hoodie

zee stars

well well well ...


spring is gone, summer has arrived.  half way through the year and i can't complain.  ... really, i can't complain. 

i'm off all the crazy drugs, back on seroquel to sleep, lower dosage at that too. 
i feel ... normal. 

i can think again.  and process thoughts. 
it's a nice development.

been living in west warwick for two months now, providence seems so long ago. 
i still smile when i look inside from out on the balcony. 
this is ours.

sitting at the end of our vacation.  tis a sad time.  i don't want to return to work. 
ever again.

went to new york for jess's birthday, custis sent us to a gay club - thank you.  ..
had jess's birthday party in lincoln woods .. wonderful outcome.  some new some old. 

i'm seeing a counselor.   he wants to know why i'm there, i'm there because i know something and what i know ....
well.  i'm still working on what it is that i want to talk to him about, that's my homework assignment.  ...  i want to live my life for me.  and to do good for me.  i want the self discipline, not man forced discipline. 

went with cheyne out to cousin laurie's yesterday .. saw uncle paul, laurie, sarah, sandy, caitlyn, and grandma gerry :)  .. the look on her face was priceless, "my jenny!"  "my cheyne"!  oh, i've missed her so.  it had been a good 7 years since i've seen her and a good 15 years since i've seen the rest of the family.  my father kept us away and i didn't know any better.  it was weird seeing so many tower's in one room.  i can see where i come from now.  i will be heading back up there.  it was NICE .. actually nice. 


hmph.
i got nothing else.


... 99 red balloons, i let one go & i think of you.

Tags:

Apr. 3rd, 2008

hoodie

she lives.

something compelled me to open this up .. not sure why.  but i did.  .. so.  if it comes back to me.  it's up. 

hah.
smarter than what you're working with.



.. nope.  still haven't gotten there.
maybe tomorrow.



... maybe a few weeks later?  heh.


... we're moving.  to west warwick.  to a spacious three bedroom.  with a balcony.  an island in the kitchen.  beautiful shinEy hardwood floors.  a place for all of our shit.  sitting right above a coffee shop.  right across from a liquor store, with a bar behind it.  a rite aid next to us.  all on a quaint little street.  - someone seems to think it's not a good neighborhood, but worse than where i'm at now?  eeeeh.  not so much.

spent the last two years here.  lot of memories here.  first real feeling of home, but that's really where the heart is.  it'll transfer. 

the night allie came over with fuckin' doug .. haha MY doug.  and that kid .. who hugged his beer all night, until it ended up on my freshly waxed floors.  coming home from sham rockin' .. kissing the dining room floor.  coming home from new york to find the cunts shit gone.  the night the boob got stuck to the living room .. boob.  it stayed up there until we moved.  staring up at my ceiling .... ... nuff said.  ..

i'm thinking semi clear now.  thoughts are coming to me.  i'm able to type. 
it was a rough last month.  i wasn't quite .. myself. 

i know i fucked up at work.  i really did.  now was not the time to be out.  .. but when is really?
i cracked.

plain and simple.  cracked like a fucking egg. 
sigh.

i'm scared to go back.  i know all eyes will be on me, criticizing me.  such is life, eh?
aaah.  monday will come fast. 

sasha and digweed, tomorrow.
can i get a hell yeah?  hell yeah!

---

AH!  we got the apartment!
movin' on upppp to the west side. 
shinEy.

---

well.  good news for the day.  tonight's sasha and digweed.  nice way to celebrate. 
can't think of a better way, actually.  heh.

---

AH!  what a great night.  good music. decent crowd, no train wrecks.  met junk man.  got in a few people's faces.  pulled some kid down off the stage, made him fall on his ass twice.  that amused me so.  :)   handed out most of our glow sticks.  felt good to see people that knew who they came out to see.  sasha and digweed.  definitely enjoyed sasha more.  digweed seemed like a pompous jerk.  yeah.  that's it. 

i think i shall close this blog now. 


Tags:

Jan. 27th, 2008

incomplete

i just don't know

it's been almost a month.  .. i'd like to say that it's just 2007 leaking into 2008, but what have i done to change any of it? 


nothing.
here i still sit.


i don't want to live in this apartment anymore. 
jess said the other night that her or the toilet has to go.
i think it's us.


the drugs are done.
d.o.n.e.
i'm old.  we're old. 
what's it worth now?  the good ol' days are gone. 
all we seem to be doing is wasting money on a false hope.


we want to travel.  we need to save. 
we want a future.  we need to save. 

i need to fix my car and trade it in.
i don't want to.
maybe with my taxes, that's what i'll do. 
....  not a bad idea. 


i really don't know why i'm posting, aside from the fact that it's been a month since i have and i felt obliged to. 


Tags:

Dec. 28th, 2007

change

2007 in a nutshell.

i write this without the use of my right index, bare with me.

2007 -  it appears your fate was to suck the life out of me.  while, there were some good times & i'll get to those, this year can go back to hell in the hand basket it appeared in. 

i began the year with hopeful thoughts, content in my bed staring up at the ceiling seeing the millions of what was to be zooming by.  shortly into the year random stupid shit started happening, what had stirred up some evidence that there was still life form in my heart was squashed, and i began to rethink those hopeful thoughts.

then st patty's day came.  i think back now and can laugh.  but i saw our funerals flash through my head.  i saw our parents shaking their head in disappointment.  i saw it all.  i will never forget walking in, collapsing on the dining room floor, and kissing it.  that was quite a lesson learned though.  not really worth it, eh?  time spent was fun, but in the end, when it comes down to it .. not so much.

then the doctors and myself put me into a coma.  waking up in an ambulance having guys accuse you of using heroin is not a nice wake up call.  neither are nine point restraints.  heroin?  .. HEROIN?  oh the stuff people do, for such assumptions to be thrown so easily.  that coma showed me that i'm not invincible.  put me in some form of funk for awhile.  what is life really worth?  .. it all can be taken away from you in a minute.  ALL OF IT.  GONE.  everything you've ever worked your entire life for, gone.  and when you look back, if you can, will it make you smile?  live for the minute.  take it while you can.  smile.  appreciate.  love.  laugh. 

the beginning of may started a weekly run of some event happening and we started promoting more and more, thus leading to hanging out with jenjen more and more.   i break a bone in my knee one friday night, oh.  venom's benefit.  we were promoting, heading back to the car.  i had had a few drinks, wasn't drunk.  walking along, then i'm on my ass hugging my right knee.  out of work for a month.  the cunt had moved in.  i guess she served her purpose in getting me places and entertaining me while jess was at work.  then her true colors show and we're taught another lesson in life that we could have avoided had we only talked to a few people.  .. the cunt still owes me 440 dollars.    four days after being back to work i crash my car, resprain my knee.  out of work for another week.  the summer pretty much can lick my ass. 

although the fourth of july party was grand.  ..  and the second barn party was incredible.  

fall brought changes, things started getting better.  i got my promotion at work.  shit wasn't as tight.  we joined a gym in september.  we found playdoh on halloween.  it wasn't supposed to happen that way.  we only wanted to go out, drink, and dance.  ".. every time i try to tell em' no, they won't let me ever let em' go .. i'm a sucker all i gotta say .. "

but it brought a few people much closer.  oh the glory of the colors. 
the boob still hangs from my ceiling.

we get a blizzard from hell.  well.  no.  i lie.  there wasn't that much snow, just too many assholes out in it during its worst.   got in a 4 car pile up, we were all ok.  .. took 3 hours to get home, some took 10 hours.  there were still children on buses at 9 at night, pissing in cups. 

the holidays were exhausting  everything turned out alright, jess and i still have presents to get each other, but it'll come with due time.   december never existed.  didn't see the gym or the trainer once.  and ate a bit of everything in my sight.  now i'm sick.  and i slammed my finger in my car door, when i opened the door and freed my finger i saw bone, all the skin was squished to the side, then blood came.  at least i was outside cvs.  all the pharmacists, "oh, you need stitches, go to the hospital."  .. "no.  has my doctor called in my rx yet?  can i have a tissue?  where are the butterfly band aids?"  that was after trying to deposit a check from work that i got jipped on, the printer forgot to print the 1 in front of the 2 and the bank said no, checks after 180 days are no good.  : bangs head on desk :

so.  i'm probably leaving out some things.  some cause i just don't remember, some cause i repressed, and some cause i don't want to talk about.  i don't want to talk about the fact that after six damn years i still miss my father.  i don't want to talk about me never having kids.  i don't want to talk about my grandfather with his prostate cancer.  i don't want to talk about all the bad things that influence the way people react in life. 

i want life to just be.  day to day.  i'm honing in on myself this year.  it's about me.  i will allow discipline back into my life.  i will fix what i've ruined.  i will succeed in my position.  i will have done it by may to get a good review.  ;)  & i will bask in the glory of it all when i'm doing this blog for 2008 next year.  i will.  shit may happen .. but that doesn't mean one can stray ....  i think i may have learned my lesson this time. 

no and ifs or buts about it. 
& what better way to start the year than in the middle of it all?
i just want to feel two foot tall in the grand scheme of it all.
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Dec. 9th, 2007

real

laughter ; the essence of life.

haha .. i thought i had some big moving entry to make. 


.. not so much.   i'm crawling back into bed.  ... no.  i shouldn't. 

well then .. my horoscope pretty much sums it up :
It's a good day for checking in with your wisest friends and possibly reconsidering some deeply held beliefs. Your mental energy is perfect for moving off in new directions and embarking on adventures.

it is time that i become an, "adult."  it's time to start putting aside money.  it's time to stop spending money in petty areas.  if we want to get anywhere .. now is the time.  this year being new changes, not cause life is throwing them my way, but because i'm throwing life my way.  i'm sick of being held down.  i'm sick of being a slave to this way of life. 

i'm done. 

merry christmas. 
it's not even here yet, but that's all i needed. 

i'm ready for this year to begin.  .. let's go. 
round 2.  i'm ready.


after it all .. i look around and see how grungy our apartment is.  our filthy it really is, seeing dirt against the wall, seeing soot plastered into our things.  who lives like this?  seriously?  .. our mothers raised us better than this.  we played the bachelor role quite well for quite some time.  it's time to have some drive and ambition in life. 

want it to change?
then fuckin' change it.

yah. that's all i got.

Nov. 19th, 2007

hoodie

the cold within

Six humans trapped by happenstance

in the bleak and bitter cold

each possesed a stick of wood

or so the story's told.

 

Their dying fire in need of logs,

the 1st man held his back

for faces around the fire,

he noticed one was black.

 

The next man looking 'cross the way

saw one not of his church

and could not bring himself to give

the fire his stick of birch.

 

The 3rd man sat in tattered clothes

he gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use

to warm the idle rich?

 

The rich man sat back and thought

of the wealth he had in store,

and how to keep what he had earned

from the lazy shiftless poor.

 

The black man's face bespoke revenge

as the fire passed from sight,

for all he saw in his stick of wood

was a chance to spite the white.

 

The last man of this forlorn group

did not except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave

was how he played the game.

 

The logs held tight in death's stilled hands

was proof of human sin,

They did not die from the cold without,

they died from the cold within.

 - unknown

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Nov. 18th, 2007

real

took me two weeks to get this out but .. here you go.


funny how things work out in life.  ... funny how things happen.  .. funny how the whole universe operates.  i'm grateful to be a part of it. i'm grateful to be able to be living life today, the way i am.  i've taken myself up a long way more than i had ever seen myself getting.  i used to believe those words.  i used to relish in those words.  it was what it was.  .. what was is now no longer.  life is good, jah.  family is broken.  it's little.  but it's good.  jah.  : nods : 

last night - i don't even know how to put it into words.  it was needed.  the playdoh was blue.  and it stretches.


--


i open up live journal, it asked to restore from last saved draft .. i look .. and ahah .  ok.

this entry picks up at the same topic, but oh no.  :: wiggles finger puppets ::  .. it was the, "3 of us girls"  .. hearing kasie say it made me smirk.
she's cute.  she's gut yah.    she collapsed.  :: wiggles finger puppet ::


.. i end no that note.
life ist gut, jah.

=)
 

Nov. 7th, 2007

hoodie

(no subject)

It may feel like your time is running out, but this is an illusion and it's important that you don't buy into it. It's time to consolidate the gains you've made over the past weeks and accept it that the times really are changing. You have all the time you'll ever need if you willingly change with the changing times.



: hangs head and breathes deeply : 
i.  can.  .. will .. do.  this.
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Nov. 6th, 2007

pants

nothing better to do ..

: taps fingers impatiently :

this week can't go by quickly enough.  & as i have nothing better to do right now, i'll blog while waiting to go to bed. 

people are weird.  true colors always show through - but why do they never show brightly? 
why does one need to live in a world where trust isn't given until it's earned.  & good luck with earning it.

what happened to the good?  why all the greed? 

-

& then it seems a silver lining has appeared.  there's always an exception to the rule.
STUPIDHEAD!?!

i feel.  .. antsy.  for life.  i want it to happen.  it is, and quick like lightning ... so what the fuck else am i missing?
it's still not fast enough. 

now it seems i'm fading.  all my dreams are not worth saving.  i've done my share of waiting.  and i've still got nowhere else to go. 
used to be my thought on life.

i've got everything to do, god damn it.   & i'm going to do it.
do what?  .. i don't know.  but i'm going to do it.

sky rockets in flight .. afternoon delight.
take me all the way.
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Oct. 19th, 2007

resist change

she speaks.

god damn it, jennifer.


i never cease to amaze myself.  never.
one of these days ... just maybe. 
: hangs head :

why do i let the past haunt me?
i don't want to die out here in the valley waiting for my luck to change.

CRASH BOOM BANG.
in fly two feline creatures at the speed of light,
gone in the blink of an eye. 

... no.  i don't think ...

i don't know.

it's raining.  suits my mood. 
i threw my cigarettes out the window this morning on my way to work.
after i had just stopped and bought a pack.
i can't stand the taste anymore.

i'm going into work for a bit tomorrow.  kiss my ass jayson.
i have.  all of the invoices out =).
 went through all the shit that danielle left me.
monday i'm off.  tuesday is our monthly meeting. 
jay wants reports.  i have to create them. 
i'm finding all sorts of discrepancies in the dyl's jodie is running for me.
not human error, there are glitches in the system.  the, "filters" are not working.
jay is pissed.  we went live with the phone lines.  and  heh.  they're not working.
jay also put together an article - or nicole did - of tabitha and i - with our pictures.
it's horrible.  : hangs head :  now i just need to brace myself for the calls. 
jay held four fingers up at me today in the meeting. 
i gave him a mean face and held up two.
tabitha looked at us like we were nuts.  .. god damn him and his levels.
i sent dawn back .. a stack of invoices today. 
with a pretty little cover sheet explaining my reasoning.
hahah .. have fun reinvoicing.  : innocent look :

it's sad.  jay called me into his office monday holding up my payroll, pointing to them, "really" yes.  really.  "really?"  ... yes.  "YOUR LIFE JENNIFER!"  ... jay.  this is my life.  and .. it's sad. well.  no.  is it really?  this is my work.  my time away from my, "life."  i want it done right god damn it. i take pride in it.   it's a clusterfuck right now and i don't like it.  i will calm down - only when i'm caught up. i'm looking at the end of next week.  invoices are current.  i'm doing the creating and updating of the tracking tomorrow. i want to be on a daily update.  doing it as we go.  end of the day, quick updates. 
it's getting there. i'll spend the week going through the open work orders, calling the dealers, telling them about the website cleaning up their issues, .. the phones have calmed down, i'll lay them on tabitha for the week. ah.  i need to write up a daily schedule.  of tasks that need to get down.  and have it staring me in the face. i will make this fucking thing work.  i will save this money with jay.  i will prove myself in this position. beginning of november.  i'm demanding in field training.  .. i'm demanding training of any sort that they'll provide. feed me information.  christ.  i have to get back into school. i don't want to though.  and to think .. marketing?   i hate math.  it makes my brain hurt.  what am i doing thinking i can pursue that road?  .. what else though?  i don't want to sit behind a desk for the rest of my life.  .. i want jamil's job.  "field supervisor"  .. i send him to sites to check out the dealer's complaints.  "roof leaks over bay 2"  .. "curbing around islands is crumbling"  " door is coming off of the frame." .. send the man an email, off he goes.  he runs around like a chicken with his head cut off .. this site that site he calls when he's lost .. google earth is a wonderful thing .. so is jack .. one phone in one ear  a cell in the other .. "you should see a porn store on your right and a whore house on the left" .. wow ..  and on and on and on i go.

i don't know why i'm formatting this the way i am . 
i hope i don't fuck it up and have to fix it.  that would blow. 
i don't even know why i'm spitting work all over my blog. 
hah @ my life.  oi vey.  i need one, eh? 

six flags though sunday =)  
i'm looking forward to that. 

i wish i didn't take my ac out of my window last week.
the cats are making all sorts of noise out there. 
the rain still falls. 
if that wind knocks all the leaves off the trees tonight
i'm going to be one pissed off tree.
that's how fall went last year too. 
they were just starting to really change .. we had one big storm
the next day everything was bare.  still warm. 
it's humid as sit out.  heh with the rain i hope it breaks and turns chilly.
i have a tendancy to wear my mind on my sleeve.

i got lots of pictures printed.  they arrived today =)
107 to be exact.  and one four pic collage.  : nods :
more for my wall.  all the rent ones.  i want to do something with those ..
some for grandma.  which i would mail out tomorrow with a birthday card.
remember that asshole.

tree, i'm using sir douglas.  thanks =)
i think i'm going to end this ramble.  i've had enough of this.
.... i think. 

know .. that only time will tell.
you want something to change?  .. change it.
it is.  that easy.

damn you livejournal.  i did have to fix this post.
: makes face :
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incomplete

warum

i miss today.  i miss the past.
a simple thought occurs to me :



why ... ?



i'm questioning why i didn't help
could it have been put back together?

would, could i have done it differently?
you never said there was anything wrong
now the drugs they give me encouragement
why?   why?   why?

it haunts me now.  never did before.
i left you alone.


take some time.  and learn to breathe.
and remember what it means
to feel alive and believe.


so don't give up.             ... did you?
it takes awhile.               ... it was gone in a flash.  took your whole life.


... and things they change like the weather.             you'll never outrun
    they're gone in a blink of an eye.                         what waits for you.

look at yourself ... can you see where you are?
maybe you should open your eyes.

look at yourself, is this how it should be? 

have you given into madness?

i just want my father to know that i finally made it.

i hope this was it .. done .. accidents can happens

Oct. 14th, 2007

hoodie

curse at the windstorms that october brings

there are fuckin' fleas in my house. there was one on my chest. that's fuckin' disgusting. thanks nasty one. i need to get shit this weekend. this is ridiculous.

haven't you always wanted a monkey?

i'm all out of sorts. my brain is fried. but it's not. it wants more. my body is tired. but it's not. it needs more. i'm getting irritated with being dependent on sleeping aids. they require. the full 8. or i'm sleeping through the alarm. i'm comatose. i wish i could lay down at 12, pass out, wake up at 6, and carry on. those .. 2 extra hours would be so beneficial to me. i'm contemplating weaning myself. but for what? insomnia again? playing the shut my fuckin' mind up game for hours on end? grrr.

we got the landlord's girlfriend high.

& i got my boots.

it's hard to get anything out of me lately. i sit and stare at this blinking cursor damning it to hell and back. it's there. i just can't get it out.

haha. "i'm sorry do you want me to leave?" "yes, i do."
: waves :

oh. that was great.

the nights are getting colder. my mind can't help but wander. damn it all.
aaaaye.
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Oct. 1st, 2007

pants

das ist kin gut.

another year passes ...

it's amazing at how the time just flies .. seems to go quicker and quicker with each passing moment.  i'm convinced that the even numbered years are good & this one will be good, god damn it.   i had an ephinany the other night.  might just be a break through.  i've just got to apply it.  we'll see where it gets me.

we had people in the apartment this weekend!  .. i apparently like to pet strangers when i'm overly drunk.  i don't know where that urge comes from .. : shakes head :  ..

well.  jarrod is officially a daddy.  and we did our friendly deed and went down to the hospital.  baby's got more head on her head than jarrod.  they looked happy.  hopefully they are. 


there's more .. but my brain says no.
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hoodie

....

: scratches head :

i don't know what i'm doing here.  i feel like wrapping up in a ball and rocking myself back and forth .. over .. and over .. and over again. 

i went riding yesterday.  .. i'd like to say a waste of 30 bucks,  .. but .. there's no way.  that rhythm.  that balance.  that understanding.  .. little guy's were pinned front the whole ride, prance in his step, realizing someone knew what they doing on his back.  shyed on me once, i grinned and gave him his head hoping he'd take off.  but .. nein.  erica needs to take hers home so that i may play. 

i'm finally starting to get somewhere with work.  catching up on all the stupid projects, getting more organized, checking my fuckin' calendar so i don't have any more surprise meetings.  gathering notes and research for these meetings.  holy wow.  i'm getting into a groove and it's nice.  the overtime is nice too.  i was able to fix my car saturday =)  nice tune up too.  she rides like a dream again .. even more so now.  she still needs pads and has an oil leak somewhere.  but i'm getting there.  yay.  

mind's been racing at nights.  unwilling to shut down and go to sleep. 


discipline. 

woosah.  i need it.  in myself.
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